In the Shadow of the Asshole that is Me
I am sorry I missed Debbie Key's 10-year vigil last week. I made a commitment to Bill to show up, but that got changed when my oldest daughter had a sleepover; I had no one to sit with the two younger kids.
And that's about as personal as I'm going to get this go-round folks. The reason is simple. My family was getting tired of learning personal facts about my life from lookie-loos before they had a chance to talk to me. Have to keep it at a bit of a distance, my friends.
Suffice to say, I'm a single-parent with three daughters, I'm almost finished my degree, and - five years later - I'm still dealing with this shit.
So why deal with it in a public forum?
That's very simple too. There are basically two types of people who go through these things:
1. The ones who are very vocal for a time, then burn out; they completely drop out of sight.
2. The ones who suffer tragedy, but always manage to keep things professional, they never let their personal pain interfere with the work they're doing.
Though I admire number two, I feel it's a bit of a sham, and not a very helpful model for those who run up against the system and tragedy . I always wanted to put it all out there - my frustrations, my insanity, my hi-and-lows - as a marker for others, as if to say,
"you're not alone. What you're feeling and experiencing is perfectly normal, and very real. Look at me, I've made an ass of myself for 5 years. But I'm still alive. I still fight the good fight. I lose my temper. I take extreme actions that later cannot be excused. I force, then bend, then apologize... but I keep a piece of myself for myself. There is joy, and pleasure. But that is separate, and I keep it for me."
That's my creed. If it's helpful to others, if it gets them through the day - great. If it instructs - if you find yourself saying, "god, at least I'm not as f&*#ed-up as that guy" - even better.
posted by John Allore @ 12/07/2007 11:51:00 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
John, there are many that can say to you, "You're not alone," because they share your reality. I am not one of them (gratefully), but what you share with us, helps us understand, at least a little, what families of murdered and missing loved ones are experiencing. This motivates many of us to do something and increases the support network for your people, who of course, have each other, but are quite often in the same boat, and sometimes not able to help as much as they would like because they are mired in their own mess of an unsolved case. By sharing with the people that do and don't live your reality, you amass your motley crew.
Don't be so hard on yourself! You wear many hats but there is only one of you, and you can only be in one place at a time, and family comes first, especially those precious daughters of yours. Debbie would understand that for sure.
John - I had assumed that you were with us in spirit. I remembered you to my friends who were there, and included you in my Thanks list.
I agree with what Anonymous says. I have learned from you about how to relate to the public on this matter, and I appreciate it.
BTW - Forrest Covington also had to babysit that night.
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